12.67 KZ

English | Deutsch

Author’s note: This story was originally written in German as an essay for school. As a result, it’s not as fleshed out as I’d like it to be. Consider it a “lore Launchpad”. You can see the German version above.

The year is 183,614,119,003 CE, but the locals call it “12.67 Kalpic Time (kZ)”. What will 12.67 kZ be like? I can’t possibly know, but I can imagine. Here is a future: not the future, mind you, but a future.

Robots and “Neuleute” wander the streets. Humans will not exist, instead “Neuleute” take their place. Neuleute will lack biological sex, possess six arms, be able to change their skin color and gender at will, and be able to fly. They will sleep in specially designed glass sleeping chambers. Neuleute will be able to live for up to 1.67x10¹⁴ years (though seldom do) due to the ubiquity of cryogenics. They cannot biologically reproduce, and are grown in labs. They will not need to go to school, since all knowledge is learned with the use of computer chips implanted into the brain. Robots are relegated to serve the Neuleute. The robots lead laborious and depressed lives, opposed to the gleeful and exuberant lives of the Neuleute.

The United States will not exist. All countries will cease to exist. A grand empire will preside over the entire universe, named “Kskfkksjfgh” (English: The State). It will be an authoritarian state, lead by an omniscient supercomputer named “Qvlskçtch” (English: The Law). Qvlskçtch uses its expansive archives to make all the laws and judge all crimes. But it’s very lax on the latter; jail time is a rare occurrence. All of the planets and stars will be aligned into a grand disc, which Qvlskçtch presides over supremely. The universe will be wholly mapped out, even on a quantum level.

The only religion that will exist is “The Grand Church of the LUCA”. Heaven and hell will not exist; they were previously destroyed, deemed “too unfair to the nonbelievers” by Qvlskçtch. The Grand Church of the LUCA (or “The LUCA” for short) will amass a congregation over three quadrillion members strong, lead by a grand council of Robots and Neuleute. The church’s services focus on the worship of “the Last Universal Common Ancestor” (or LUCA) of all extant life, its namesake. The church teaches many principles, including:

• Reïncarnation (“Good individuals are reborn as Neuleute, and bad individuals as Robots.”
• Hedonism (“Have good times, only good times. Fun is mandatory.”)
• Apatheism (“God? *audibly laughs* Who cares about God? Pfft… ‘God’. What a funny notion!”)
• Transhumanism (“With the use of technology, we will become the masters of our own fate. We become gods, not merely men.”).
• Acceptance of death (“You have lived many, many lives, and will live many more. Are you bored with what you have? Kill yourself! Start again!”) Suicide and murder in this future are not taboo, and are quite commonplace.

Despite the overwhelming reach of the church, atheists will still exist. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Go figure.

Plants, animals, and extraterrestrials won’t exist; we will have destroyed them with dank memes. Neuleute and Robots will all eat the same foods, the food being cut from synthetic cloth. Hunger and waste will not be issues, as food is dispensed in perfect amounts by fancy vending machines that make the ones in Japanese airports look like airline food in comparison.